given a few months prior notice, had someone told me that some strange boy would make the utmost impact on me, i would have laughed, & shrugged my shoulders.
but now, i see.
his name is adam.
yes, and he has it all. charming personality. a killer grin that makes me weak in the knees, a voice that sort of cradles you...& a laugh that would make you stop short. [& a spongebob keychain, to boot]
but not everything has to so exteriour-based, i've realized. he's shown me more in the span of just a few months, then anyone else has. he's given me hope that maybe someday, some sweet boy would come sweep me off my feet, and he made me hope just a little to hard that that certain boy would be him.
[it's not so much that i hate him, rather i will admit to saying it but never understanding it's true value. in fact, i NEVER meant it. but that goes without saying, that i felt the worst case of misunderstanding and misleading ever. disappointment would have to be the understatement of the year. maybe if he ever said what he felt, & felt what he said, things would have sorted themselves out. but, just for the sake of being consistently difficult, it never happened.] i remember waiting in the blistering cold; charcoal knee-high boots, green corduroy skirt, while he talked to his friend at the bike rack. i remember the coffee shop mini-date[if you'd even call it that..]i remember every little detail of that day. & i tried a little too hard i guess. but one day, things sort of crumpled. whether it be my fault, or his own, the fact is lost on me now.
but, no more sincerity. no more laughter & causing chaos in the windy outdoors. no more independant film stores, or cider on freezing days. no more talking on street corners for 3 hours. no more notes, or breaks shared at work.
indeed, one day it all just stopped. was my voice too high? my shirt too low?my personality too rambunctious? i couldn't, and still cannot, tell.
we just ceased to fit. & i felt immense emotions i'd tried to repress leap forward. no longer could i listen to something corporate on the bus, or i'd tear up. i still can barely listen to them without being reminded...
he's a chef in-training at a local college. he breakdances. he bikes in minus degree weather just to get to work from over the bridge. he's to be envied, i suppose...perhaps that's what drew me to him in the first place. this air he had about him.
regardless, one day things ceased to be the same. he looked at another girl, the way i looked at him. & you can only guess where this is going...
today. today is the 18th of january 2004. today marks the first day since december 2003 that he has spoken to me. to my utmost surprise, it came. a soft voice from behind, but i swear i won't be so careless this time, i promise. i won't trip, i won't fall, i won't find anything but stable grounding. my feet will stay planted firmly, because i refuse to let him rock my foundation one more time. i don't need earthquakes. i need shelter. he was never that shelter.
--s8 [in HER triumphant return]