Dear you,
Oh, man, did I want to call you tonight. When I was driving home from my mom's house, I just started thinking.. why can't I just let you know that I want to be friends? Why can I call you and tell you that I'm confused, that you made me feel like such an asshole when I said I couldn't be friends with you, and I want to know why you haven't made any kind of effort to be friends when I have, 3 different times now?
I wanted to call you so bad. All I wanted to do was let you know that I want to be friends. We had such an awesome time together when I wasn't trying to get in your pants. I do honestly think that we could really be good friends.
So what stopped me? Why did I all of a sudden decide that it wouldn't be good to call you? If we were friends, I would have to deal with it if you had another girlfriend. I wouldn't have any kind of claim on you, and I'd have to watch as you fell in love with someone else. Even though our thing was short lived, and even though it turned out pretty shitty, I don't think I could handle seeing you with someone else.
It's just that.. for a few days out of the many years I've lived on this planet, I was so very happy to have you in my life. That day you gave me your number.. it was so pure and true and fantastic the way you did it, it was almost like you had a certain vulnerability. That's what I wanted our relationship to be about. That's what I wanted to center it on.
And it could have been that way, but the sex happened, and we can't take it back, and it ruined everything. I don't blame us for being curious.. it had been several years for both of us, we were attracted to each other, we trusted each other, and so.. it happened. It ruined everything, and I knew that the second it was over.
I miss you. I wish you were in my life. I don't understand why it all happened like this, and I guess I just wasn't meant to. The other thing that kept me from calling you.. the thing that let me actually allowed me to have one shred of self restraint.. is the cold hard fact that if you were meant to be in my life, you would be. If you truly gave a tiny shred of shit about me, you would have let me know by now. It's been a month and you haven't, so... okay. I get it. I will just disappear from your life.
But I hope that when you see a Rav 4 speeding by, or when you hear a Guns N Roses song on the radio, or when my former boss comes into the bank to make the deposits that once allowed me to meet you... I hope that you think about me for one second, and for one second I hope you have just a little tiny bit of regret.
I have to live with the constant reminder of you.. that damn glowing green building that I can't avoid even if I tried. I'm just going to have to make peace with that building that once provided me and you with a place to meet.
I hope you have a nice life, I do. I just wish I understood why you won't allow me to be in it.
-S90-